Day with Sociopathy

Pre-work: I have recently been reading Sociopath, a memoir by Patric Gange. It is absolutely fascinating. I'll admit that I have not finished yet, nor am I particularly close. However, I simply could not wait any longer to write this. Sociopathy is a widely misunderstood disorder. Truthfully, I didn’t even realize it was a disorder, I thought it was an adjective for someone crazy. But the more I read the more I learn and I would like to pass on some of that knowledge. Sociopathy is a “feeling” disorder where many emotions simply don’t come naturally. The reason sociopaths end up getting a bad rap is because they crave emotion, they crave feeling anything as most of the time they really don’t feel anything. Think of a time when you were in a big argument with someone and it got to a point where you just didn’t care, you could say whatever you wanted and it was almost like you turned your emotions off. This is how sociopaths feel most of the time. They are very apathetic people. Nearly 5% of the world’s population is likely sociopathic. That is double bipolar, yet this one is much less discussed. That’s why I do what I do. If you have any questions please leave a comment. Please consider reading Patric’s book. This will closely mirror her writing as it is the most accurate source in my opinion. If you plan to read her work, you may not want to continue reading but there will not be any spoilers.

Day in the mind:

7:00 AM ERK ERK ERK. My alarm sounds. The morning is one of my favorite times of the day, early morning specifically, no one is awake. I love being alone. I start my day by returning the items I had stolen from my family the day prior. Then, I get ready for school. I don’t like school. I like the learning part, and the distraction. But I hate the kids, they look at me like they know I’m different.

When I get to school the pressure starts building up. The “pressure” is my mind’s need for feeling - gaining discomfort. Like when a person with OCD just has to do something a certain way. I just have to feel, and that means doing things I don’t want to do. However, do not be confused, I can’t really feel empathy, I can try but it does not come easily to me. The pressure is sort of like a boiling pot. You have to stir it so it doesn’t boil over. And the longer you wait to stir it, the higher the bubbles get. And it’s a big mess when the pot boils over. The stirring is like little bad things I do to keep from boiling over. Boiling over is when I do something really bad, like inflict pain on others.

I have a test first period, good distraction but no real opportunity to relieve the pressure. After first period I am desperate. I swipe 3 items from pockets in the hallway, trying to alleviate the discomfort. It’s not enough. The more time that passes, the more restless I get. Next I have science, it’s a lab day. I'm partnered with nerdy Ned. We’re using bunson burners today, score! I know just what to do, sorry Ned! I decide to start a small fire, make it look like it was Ned’s mistake, then I can pull the fire alarm without getting in trouble but no one will get harmed. It’s the perfect plan! I ask Ned to get me a paper towel. He does and places it on the table. I send him to get our materials. Then I move the paper towel over a couple inches so that it’s touching the bunsen burner. Now we wait, I think. Ned comes back and shortly after, boom a flame. It’s small enough that I could just blow it out but I run to the fire alarm eager to cause school wide havoc. 

They escort us outside and my teacher starts to ask us what happened. “Miss Inna, you can’t talk during a fire drill” a rule they were constantly drilling into us. Since it was a “real fire” it takes twice as long as regular drills. I decide to explore. I’ve gotten good at being unnoticed so I slip into the trees and begin my tour. After about ten minutes I see a couple arguing presumably on a hike. Yes! I think, I love people watching. I tune in to try to figure out what they’re fighting about. 

“You always do this!” The woman says. 

“Oh don’t even get me started with you.” The man growls.

“Why do you defend her when she speaks to me like that? I am supposed to marry you and with that comes her.”

I wonder who “her” is. A sister, maybe. Maybe his mother. A friend? An ex even?I keep listening.

“She’s my mom, what do you expect me to do?”

Bullseye.

“I definitely don’t expect you to say NOTHING while I get slandered for every little thing I do. This is our lives not hers! You’re thirty fucking years old and you still answer to Mommy. Grow up James!”

“Allison, that isn’t fair, she’s my mother. And “mommy” is paying for our wedding, she gets to have a say.”

“No she doesn’t James, that’s what you don’t understand. It’s our day, it’s our marriage, it’s our life. I’d rather get eloped than have my wedding be her’s. I’d rather live in a shack than in a mansion in which we need to follow her orders. That’s not a life James. At least not one I want.”

The man, James, turns quiet. I hear the sound of a rope being rolled up. Shit. They always do attendance after fire drills so if I don’t return to class I will definitely get in trouble. I don’t mind the punishment part very much. But I really don’t want attention being drawn to me. I decide to leave my phone with voice memos on so that I can hopefully hear the rest of this argument. Ill also be sure to check the newly weds collum in the news paper to see if there is an Allison and James any time soon- which I doubt. 

I made it back to class just fine, no one even noticed I left, just how I like it. Later, it’s finally time for dismissal. I see grandma’s car in the pickup line. I get in. “Hi Grammy! Before you go to far, can we stop by those trees over there? We went on a walk during gym class and I think I dropped my phone over there.” Of course, she agreed. I couldn’t wait to listen to the rest when I got home. 

This is getting pretty long, comment if you want a part 2 to see what evening activities our character gets up to and if you’re as curious about James and Allison as a sociopath would be :)