Day With Autism

I want to preface this Day in the mind essay by saying: although all of these disabilities and disorders can have a huge variation of effects on the person with it, autism is a subject Ive slightly been avoiding to cover because the variety is so huge it can stick out like a sore thumb or be completely invisible. In this essay I will be talking from a high functioning perspective, but I wanted to shed light on the fact that many people with the same diagnosis have a world of difference in experience.

Beep! Beep! Beep! Too loud. I open my eyes. The room, too bright. My pj pants have rolled into pantaloons, I hate the feeling of them squishing my calves. 6:45, I always get up at 6:48, three minutes to wake up. Perfect amount of time. I get up and put on the outfit I laid out the night before. A gray Nike  shirt with the tags cut out and black Nike joggers. Then I brush my teeth for 2 minutes, comb my hair, and get my socks. I look at where the toes have been to know which is the right sock and which is the left, it’s a phenomenon most find shocking and a wasteful use of time. But I don’t understand why everyone doesn’t do it. I mean it’s the worst feeling, when the seem of your sock hits the wrong spot on your foot, most uncomfortable feeling ever! Once I go down stairs I see that Mom has made me pancakes. Mom always makes me 1 egg, 1 piece of toast, and a glass of orange juice. But she made me pancakes. 

“Where is my egg? Where’s the toast and the orange juice?” I ask in a panic.

“Well honey I know you’ve been having a rough week so I made your favorite breakfast.”

“But I was expecting 1 egg, 1 piece of toast and a glass of orange juice.”

“Im sorry honey it was meant to be nice, I don’t have time to make you anything else now. Could you eat the pancakes today?”

I know she cares. I will eat them, I would feel bad not eating them. But I feel bad eating them too. Not a great way to start the day, irritable and disappointed.

First period I have my photography class, my favorite. I sit in the front row excited to show off my knowledge. As my teacher is teaching he asks us questions “and who built the first camera.” My hand shoots up and finally after the 6th question he asks us he finally calls on me. I answer his question in great detail and then rattle off a bunch of fun facts. My teacher is looking at me which I take as a sign that he is impressed. A moment later he even asks me “Would you like to teach my class?” I nod and begin to stand up which makes my class laugh. I don’t get it. “Sit down, bud.” He says. I sit down in confusion, I guess he changed his mind?

Later, I have lunch in the cafeteria. Or as I like to call it, the social battlefield. 25 long minutes of forced eye contact, sensory overload, and mystery meat. The lunch room is always the coldest room in the school, the lights, obnoxiously bright, and the people, obnoxiously loud.

“Can I sit here?” I ask. The kids at the table all give me a very small nod.

Nod=yes. So I sit. All their heads immediately go back to whatever they were doing before. Perfect. I can eat in peace. Except 10 minutes in:

“Why are you sitting with us?” Im asked

“You guys said I could.” Im confused 

“To be nice, we don’t actually really want you to.”

I apologize, throw the rest of my lunch away and leave the cafeteria. Kids are mean. 

At night, it’s finally quiet. The world slows down, and so does my brain—kind of. I replay the day over and over, like a broken record I can’t turn off. Did I say that wrong? Did I sound weird? What did that mean? My blanket feels right, at least. It’s soft, heavy, and the perfect weight. The hum of my fan keeps everything steady. I need that hum. Without it, every tiny sound feels like a jolt. My thoughts start to line up, neat and organized, until—oops, a new one crashes in. Time doesn’t feel real anymore. The world fades, and I finally slip into sleep… as long as no one turns off the fan.

If this is you, or someone you know, remember that being different isn’t wrong—it’s just a different way of experiencing the world. Some things that seem small to you might feel huge to someone else. Understanding that difference can make the world a lot kinder. There are therapies, treatments that make it easier so consider talking to your health care provider or a trusted adult. You are not alone :)